davislove's ramblings

I used to love the taste of syrah.  It was flavorful and it had a gentle comforting burn as it went down.  It was all I had a taste for.  Then one day sauvignon blanc came along.  It was strong, refreshing and new.  The flavor aroused my senses and made me feel warm inside.  I fell in love with its flavor almost instantly.  I lost my taste for syrah and any other wine really.  But now the bottle is empty.  It’s been difficult for me to be open to others.  I’ve tried rose but it’s just not the same.  I know I can’t close myself off to experiencing other wines but my next bottle is going to have to be something pretty special.

 (in case you weren’t sure, wine = men)

This was originally written in November 2008 on my old blog site.  A song reminded me that I’m coming up on the 2nd anniversary of a major life change so I felt the need to repost here.:

I just experienced something very strange, very deep and emotional.  I suppose it’s been a long time coming.  I have been well aware that it was one year ago this week that I stopped holding my breath.  The day I finally opened my mouth and said, “I want to move out.”  The words that made my mouth drop as much as it did his.  I mean it when I say that I felt like I was speaking for the first time.  So much anger and resentment had built up and I stopped being afraid of what everyone else would think.  I decided to worry about me and my boys, a little late but……

I have been pretty happy this last year.  I have been spending so much more time with my friends than ever.  I have been doing lots of new things and meeting lots of new people.  I am learning as I go and I’m finding that things aren’t always easy.  But as this week approached, I joked with friends that it’s the anniversary of me telling him I was leaving.  Just one week before his birthday, happy birthday to him.  I started moving into my new apartment the day after Christmas and finished on my birthday, happy birthday to me!

But seriously, it was a big life change for me.  It’s nothing to joke about but I had no idea that it would hit me like this.  I was going through my old CDs and adding them to iTunes.  Yes, I still have CDs.  I grabbed an old CD by Sade called Promise.  After I finished adding it I decided to listen to it while doing dishes.   So when song 4 came on I just stopped what I was doing and turned it up.  I remembered that I used to listen to this song when things were bad with my ex.  It made me think of how the image I had of him when we met had been shattered.  He was not the man I had fallen in love with.  He was not the man who I felt safe with, the one who was supposed to love and protect me.  The song is appropriately named “You’re Not the Man.”  I used to listen to it, sing it, and cry to it at times.

So there I am in the kitchen, dish gloves dripping water and suds, singing this song.   About halfway through it burst into tears and I find myself sitting in the middle of the floor sobbing.  Not tears of sadness, not tears of happiness, just tears.  Lots of tears.  I don’t know, maybe they were tears of happiness to realize that there was a time I thought I would never get out and I actually did.  Or they could have been tears of sadness that I allowed myself to remain in a dysfunctional relationship for so long, to be verbally and emotionally abused among other things.  I think that it was a combination of the two.  He wasn’t all bad, had had his moments few and far between as they were.   We did have some good times.  What I find sad is that after 15 years I have not even one ounce of love for him.  Maybe one day I will find a way to forgive him.  Maybe that’s what I’m in the process of doing now.

I just wasn’t expecting this flood of emotion and tears.  I have to tell you, I don’t like it but I guess its part of healing.  Although my youngest had a hard time with the break-up I know that he sees it’s for the best now.  Our relationship has strengthened so much in this last year.  My oldest has always been the strong one.  When I was trying to put on a brave face for them he stepped in and let me know that he understood.  He looked me right in the eye and said the words.  I am so proud of my boys and I am so lucky to have them.  I am also lucky for all of the friends and family that were there for me when shit was going down.  Even though I went MIA for a period of time instead of dealing with things.  I completely shut down for months, a year almost, before I left him.  I didn’t talk to a lot of you for so long.  And you were all still there for me when the smoke finally cleared.   You all helped me find the strength to open my mouth and speak for the first time and I want to say thank you.  I mean that from the deepest part of my heart and soul.  I don’t think I could ever express the magnitude of the love and respect I have for all of you.

Always,

Davina

P.S.  Since I’ve written this I have realized that I never loved him.  We met, I got pregnant, we moved in together.  I tried to make the best of it.  And I know he never loved me.

Maybe one day I will know real love.  But for now I’m good.

Yesterday I said goodbye to my cat Bella.  She had been a part of my life for almost 16 years.  I had no idea I would be saying goodbye so soon.  Within less than 2 weeks it went from concern over weight loss to her not eating and losing partial use of her hind legs.  I had to make the decision to put her to rest.  It was difficult but I know it was the right thing to do.

I’m not going to write a long post here because I could go on for pages and pages about her and I don’t think I could handle it.  I just want to share a moment from yesterday that will make me smile and cry for years to come.

So my boys came to spend the last few hours with her.  We all kinda hung out in the kitchen where she was planted in front of her water dish.  She seemed disoriented.  She kept leaning down to her water but acted like she didn’t know how to drink.  My youngest kept leaving the room in tears.  My oldest wondered if she would respond to some tuna.  We gave it a try.  She perked right up, took a couple of bites and then drank some water.  We watched her for awhile then retreated to the living room to talk.

Bella had not been very active in the last two days and could only be found hovering over her water dish.  I’m not sure she had slept in her last 24 hours.  I had checked on her several times throughout the night and she hadn’t moved.   A few minutes after we left the kitchen she managed to walk into the middle of the living room and look at all of us as if to say, “Hey, what’s up guys?”  She then walked over to my oldest, let him scratch her chin for a minute.  She came to give me a little nudge then over to my youngest who couldn’t bear to pet her.  She gave him one of her silent meows.  Then she went back to the middle of the living room and just looked at us all for a minute then walked into the dining room and laid down.

It was as if she mustered up every last bit of energy for the boys.  Like she knew this was the last time she would see them.

Bella, I love you.

Maybe it’s the fact that I’m ovulating, maybe it’s the Riesling.  Either way my emotions are fucking crazy right now.  I keep feeling like I’m longing for something that I swore to myself I didn’t want or need.  I began to feel like I had betrayed myself.  Why do I want something?  Why?  Didn’t I have enough pain for 15 years?  Why would I want to go through that again.  I don’t have time to throw any more years out the window.

Then I realized that I’m not longing for what I once had.  I’ve become painfully aware that I don’t know what a healthy adult relationship is like.  I have no fucking idea.  I robbed myself of any decent memories.  And now I’m so afraid to give myself to anyone because I always think it’s going to end up like the last one.  And the only one that I might even consider giving a chance to, if he wanted it,  is out of my reach.

I liked life much better when my heart was cold and dark.

(draft written in May)